Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Years of My Mid Mid-Twenties Crisis

I have the prettiest, smartest, funniest, hardest working, most caring, (insert other absolutely amazing adjectives) sisters in the world. That might not be everyone's perspective, but to me, it's truth. 

Each of my sisters is different. They bring out different qualities in me. They relate to me in ways that are specifically unique to our relationship. And, with each of them we've made memories and had experiences that contribute to the depth and character of our friendship. Because Kaylea is the closest in age to me, there's been a lot of experiences that only she's been around for. With the exception of parents and other older relatives who've been around since my birth, Kaylea has walked through the most life with me. She's been there through our tomboy days, our rebellious dating-without-mom-and-dad-knowing days, some crazy breakups and late night talk-cries about relationships, some crazy fun times and road trips, and through watching me navigate and fall into relationship with the Lord. Through it all, she's become one of the best three sisters in the whole world. It's my realm of reality.

I feel like everyone has their own sense of what reality is, and I'm going to do my best at depicting mine. I wish each year of my life could have a movie title. I feel like the year of 23, would've been titled, "The Year of my Mid Mid-Twenties Crisis." 

A little over two years ago, I moved to Uganda. (Realizing it has already been that long, causes a pang of hurt in my heart.) A little over a year ago, I moved back to the Omaha area. I rode around on a bike, made more than a few mistakes, and worked on the farm. Fall on the farm ended, and I felt carless, unemployed, homeless, and more than a little hopeless about what to do. And, most of that was a truth I was living in. I went to Thailand and Burma, and when I came back, I actually felt for the first time in a long time, ready to be in America. I found a job, a place to live, and settled (kind of) into life. 

I'd come back from Uganda with a new perspective on life, but without a clue of how to articulate it, how it now affected my life, and what to do with it. It made me feel crazy. I praise God for his faithfulness, good friends, and foundations of truth for coming though that time. And, now I often feel like I have the memory of a 75 year old, so I'm fairly certain I'm probably going to forget to communicate some of the biggest revelations over the last couple years. It's too bad my smartest sister in the whole world isn't sitting with me right now to prompt my slow-moving brain. 

One thing I've come to value more deeply each day is the richness that comes from experiencing diversity in life. I'm fascinated by the infinite complexity of this world, and I love getting to experience bits of it through shared times with people who are completely different from me. It's no longer a comfort, but rather a boredom, to be surrounded by people who view life though the same lens as me. 

Some other things I've spent a lot of time pondering are the sovereignty of God and the continued revelation of His love for me. At now 24 years old, I am but a a child. In awe of the possibilities in life, trying to navigate goals for my life, surrendering them to God, completely unsure of where life is headed. Luckily,  I have the most caring sister in the whole world to process all my crazy with. (Did I mention that she's also going to school for psychology and sociology?) 

I'm still a little uptight and type A, but I think I've also been learning to enjoy life more. A couple years ago, I'd never even pierced my ears. I lived life timidly. Afraid to make mistakes. I held a magnifying glass up to every choice, seeing way more pros and cons than probably actually existed. Everything was a bigger deal than it actually was. I battle this so hard still. Anyone who's currently a part of my life can testify to this. I'm continuing to discover that these "seasons" of transition never really end. Life is transition and change, and I tend to magnify the choices with worry and anxiety instead of trusting. In my heart, I want to LIVE. I'm having new revelations of the shortness of this life. So much of it is temporary, and having this at the forefront of my mind has unleashed a freeness within me. I pierced my ears. I put color in my hair. I got a tattoo. And, then I pierced my nose. Call it rebellion if you want. I call it freedom. 

The job I acquired is at a place called the Hope Center for Kids. And in the process of working toward faithfully inspiring hope in the lives of youth and children, hope found its way back into my heart too.

I don't know how long I'll be there or what will be next, but I can look back over the last couple years and see that it is God who is molding my realities. My life. I'm trying to take the magnifying glass off the decisions I'm making because at the root of my decisions, I want my guiding lines to be love God, and love others. Outside of that, I'm not really sure if it matters what I'm doing as long as its glorifying the one I was created to reflect.