Excuses, excuses.

I have a whole list of excuses as to why I haven’t written a blog lately:

1. My computer is on its last leg. Meaning, sometimes it just won’t turn on, or it will, but then by the time I’ve finished replying to (some) emails and spending too much time on Facebook, it turns off and my blog is still left unfinished. 
2. My USB ports decide when and how well they want to work, which is a HUGE problem when you connect to the internet via an internet stick that you plug into the USB ports. 
3. I ran out of internet this weekend. When you use the internet here, it’s a load-as-you go thing. There are a few different options, and they come in monthly packages. Well, because I only have a short L amount of time left in Uganda this year, I bought a smaller package than usual last time, and it surprised me by running out early this weekend.

But, regardless of how good I think all of them sound, they are all just excuses. Isn't it true that for just about anything, we are capable of coming up with excuses as to why we shouldn’t do it or can't do it? 

Last spring, when I was debating about moving to Uganda, I had a long list of excuses as to why it wasn’t a good idea: 

• I was only 21 and I thought that moving would take away a critical year of my life.
• I had opportunities to teach.
• I would forego my first year of teaching after college, and I was unsure of how that would look on my résumé, or if I’d still have that with-it-ness when I returned.
• I was active in my church and God was using me there.
• Leaving friends and family scared me.
• I had a car, a good living situation, and a new bed.

There were plenty more of them, but those are the ones sticking out to me right now. They were fears, excuses for why I couldn't say yes to God. Reasons why He was wrong or why I knew how He could use me in a more resourceful or useful way. Yet, for each one of those excuses, it's been a reassurance to my heart to watch the Lord remove my fears and replace them with truth, provision, and joy. 

Instead of taking away a critical year of my life, He enhanced it. One paragraph in a blog post can't do justice to the ways the Lord has molded me this year. I’ve grown in more ways than I could’ve imagined. I’ve experienced things and made memories that would have never been possible anywhere else than in Africa.  This year has been one where I’ve learned more about myself and about the world and about missions and about my God than ever before, and it included some rough patches. Looking back at my fear, I was right about one thing, this year was critical to my life.

I had opportunities to teach in Omaha, but God gave me an opportunity to teach Dara here. This year has been different than what I imagined it would be, and yet, that's the beauty of it, too. While it hasn’t been easy to adapt my teaching style to one student and it’s been challenging to teach subjects that I’m not qualified to teach, it’s allowed me to describe myself with an adjective I would’ve never been able to use before: flexible. And, because of my experience adapting to a completely new teaching experience with different challenges than I would’ve foreseen, regardless of whether I ever teach in America or not, I can have the confidence that if the Lord leads me there, he will give me the flexibility, the strength and the wisdom I need.  

I was active in my church, and I felt like I was being used for God's glory there. So, when I felt strongly that the Lord was calling me to Uganda, it didn’t make sense to me. I was at war with the desires of my heart. I wanted the best of both worlds. But, I've been learning that I don’t have to be able to figure out how everything is going to make sense in order for God to have it figured out. Despite the feelings of not knowing what I was doing here at first, God was and has been faithfully at work in me the entire time, revealing things to me about myself and my identity in Him and using me in ways that I haven’t and still am not always able to see. I'm not wise enough to change the world for better, and I'm not strong enough to do it even if I knew how, so I've learned to do what the Lord calls me to and rely on His strength for doing so and to let Him deal with the details!

Leaving friends and family scared me, and it’s still a fear that I have when I think about long-term missions. But, God has been more than faithful to me. My relationships with friends and family back home haven’t only been maintained, but strengthened. And on this side of the world God has over abundantly blessed me with mentors, friends, and women to invest in. I feel like a part of the community, and that is a blessing. I have friends to laugh with, cry with, share openly with, and to learn from. I find it so rare to have those types of relationships all across the world and yet I know it is all because of the provision of the Lord and the unity of the body of Christ that has enabled that to happen! God gave me young women to pour my life into back home, and he did it here, too, even though I didn't expect it. I'm beginning to see a common trend. 

I know it’s silly and extremely superficial and worldly, but if I'm being honest, I was really sad to leave my car behind in America. Ask any of my girl friends back home, and they will tell you that in my little 2007 Pontiac was one of my favorite places to be. A late-night drive to talk, sing, laugh or cry together with my closest friends was one of my favorite hobbies. I'd fight to drive anytime we were planning to go anywhere. The thought of not driving for a full-year freaked me out. To add to the list of superficial,worldly loves I had I lived in a beautiful home with my friend, Brooke, and was investing in making friends with the neighbors. And, then there was my bed - the best graduation present my parents could’ve ever gotten me. I slept in it for six months before having to leave it behind when I boarded the plane. Such silly, earthly things but things that had value to me! But, you know what? My car was totaled when I was away, and I’m still alive. My friend Brooke is letting me move back in with her when I’m home. And, as of now, my bed has been under the careful watch of my little sister, Hope, and no basement floods have destroyed it… yet. But, even if one day that happens, it’s going to be okay. I'm sure of it. Because God is faithful, and only what is done in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ will last for eternity any way.

So, I have excuses. I always have excuses brewing around in my head, but at the end of the day, that’s all they are - an excuse, a fear, a reason to not do what I've been called to do. And regardless, of how good that excuse sounds, the truth is still lighting the way not allowing me to ignore it.